Not alone
by monims
Summary: Oneshot. Leia reaches out to her father in pain and loss, just after Rey has left to find Luke. I cant be the only one fascinated by Anakin and Leia's complicated relationship. Leia is such a strong woman, but even she must have her moments of self doubt. And in this movie I felt so sorry for her, since she has practically lost everyone at this point.
It was done, the girl was on her way, maybe she would have more luck. maybe she could reach him.

Keeping her composure she walked quickly to her quarters. Always strong, she was always having to be strong. Don't break down in front off the men and women looking to you for leadership. So she kept walking, always moving forwards. She reached for the door release, pushing the button with more force then necessary, entering quickly. As the door closed behind her she let out a breath she didn't even know she had been holding. Resting her back against the door, she wanted to sink down to the floor and never rise again. What was the point, it never ended, one victory another defeat, and so it goes. Happiness then sorrow, never ending sorrow. But she kept going always. Pushing away from the door she moved to the fresher, undressing, changing into more simple sleeping garments. Out of the offical wear, the general persona, the one that could not break, should not break. But she, just Leia, not the general, she was not made of steel, she could break. Letting down her hair she carefully avoided looking in the mirror, not wanting to see how old she looked, how worn. How broken.

Moving still she left the fresher,shutting off the light behind her. Finally sinking down onto the bed. It is a double, but only she will sleep there now, alone, always alone. He would never be comming back, not this time, until now there had been hope. Now there was nothing.

The room was steeped in darkness, she had not bothered turning on the light, she wanted to let the darkness swallow her, cradle her in it's cocoon. She was tired and angry, so angry. Why did they all leave? Was it her, was she the reason? The darkness had no answers, but _he_ might.

"Vader" she called angrily to the darkness, she knew he didn't use that name anymore, but she wanted to hurt him. Hurt him like she hurt. There was no reply, just the sligth humming of the generator. Then nothing.

Leaning back against the wall,legs bent at the knees, she called out again, louder this time. "Anakin!". Still no reply, so even _he_ did not want to see her. Almost laughing now, she never wanted to see him. Never, and when she finally called _he_ would not come.

She let her head fall down onto her knees, hair spreading around her face like a curtain. Still long, still thick, but grey now, old and worn, just like she is. Finally she is sitting still, unable now to move. " Father " she finally called, it came out like a croak, barely a whisper in the darkness.

Then she saw it, the light, dim at first, only a slight glow in her peripheral vision, through the shrowd that was her hair, hiding her face from view.

"Leia" he said softly.

Lifting her face slightly she looked at him, eyes travelling up his tall frame to his face,. Young he looked so young, it was wrong somehow, that she should look older than _him._ Her _father,_ because that was what he was no matter how much she tried to deny it. But the illusion of youth was dispelled as soon as she reached his eyes, ancient, they looked ancient. Seen to much, done to much. He was looking at her, his expression gentle, compassionate. Vader and compassion two word she thought she would never associate with each other. But this was not Vader was it? Luke claimed it wasn't, she had never truly believed him. Thinking of Luke brought a stab of pain to her chest, he had also left. Now when she needed him the most.

"Why?" was the only word she managed to speak. _Why do they all leave, why did Ben turn to the darkness. Why?Why did you?_ Tears now threatening to break free, using all to control she had mustered in her years as a politician, then rebel and now. What was she now? She managed to push them back.

Tilting his head, a lock of hair falling into his face, strange he would appear more human in death than in life. Well at least as she had know him. " I dont know" was all he said shaking his head slightly.

Suprising her he moved to the other side of the bed, and sat down next to her, also resting his back against the wall,legs outstretched. She got the feeling, he didn't want to tower over her, not to impose, threaten. Did she fear him? She liked to think that she didn't.

He did not speak, just waited patiently for her to regain her composure.

" I asked him to do it, I asked him and now he is dead. Because of me, because of what I asked him to do" Her voice finally breaking, tears falling freely down her face.

"No Leia, no! He made his own choice, and he did it for his son. For your son. If he had walked away he would never have forgiven himself."

At the urgency of his words, she really looked at him, maybe truly for the first time ever. He had shown himself to her before today, but she had always sent him away with a harsh word. She had hated him so much. Looking now at his gentle face, the man he had once been was finally becomming real to her. The man not the monster.

" A fathers sacrifice" she whispered. Brown eyes locking on to blue. Understanding a bit more now, understanding him. The double meaning behind his words, her own.

"Yes" His eyes so much like Luke's, or more correctly the otherway around. Seeing Luke in them brought her some measure of comfort. She missed him so much. The moment broke and she looked away. Maybe Luke at been right all along. But admitting that would be letting go of years of hurt. She had a real father, and _he_ had made her watch him and the rest of her homeworld die. How could you forgive something like that? The darkside twists, distorts, taints. Or so Luke claimed. Only now after Ben she was starting to understand.

"He is lost to me isn't he?" The ache in heart just thinking of Ben threathing to overcome her.

"I thought I was lost, and had no hope, no reason to even try . Yet here I am, if there was hope for me there is hope for anyone." His voice was so gentle, but it did little to comfort her.

"He killed his own father, how do you come back from that. You loved Luke enough to save him, did he not love his father enough. Does he not love me?" She was practically shouting through her tears now.

"Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Yoda's words, I did not truly understand them then. I thougth the dark side would grant me the powers I needed to save my wife. When she pleaded with me to stop, when she begged me. I did not listen, and I loved her Leia. More than anyone, I need you to know that. Yet at that moment it was not enough. "It was his voice that was breaking now, his shoulders rigid, she could tell he was now the one battling to keep away his own tears. He looked at her, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

" At that moment I was high on power, beliving my self invincible, I could not have been more wrong. The suffering came afterwards, and I am not talking about my broken body . That was nothing compared to loosing her. Loosing you. Only then did I understand the meaning of Yoda's words. By then it was to late, I had destroyed everything I loved. Or so I thought"

"Believe me Leia, he is suffering, even if he denies it to himself. And maybe it will be enough to bring him back. Because he still has something to return to."

"Did you know, did you see what was happening?" She was shouting now, wanting to lash out at someone. Anyone. And who better than _him._

"I am not all knowing Leia, if I was you would think I would know my own daugther as she was standing right next to me. In agony at my own hands " He said sadly looking down at the hands in question, as if not quite believing it himself. Though these looked human, not like the piece of machinery and black leather she remembered.

"Would it have made a difference if you knew?" She had alwayes wondered, he had been obsessed with Luke. Yet he had not even known her. Though she couldn't say she was jealous of the kind of attention Vader had offered Luke.

" Well yes, though I dont think it would have ended any better for you, probably worse in the end. Because of that I am glad I didn't know, even if I caused you suffering" Bowing his head, a single tear trailing down his cheek. He swallowed as if trying to push his emotions back. Suddenly he looked back up at her, a strange look on his face. The sight of his agony made her anger evaporate, leaving her only with the pain.

" I always thought it was a girl you know, as I put my hand on your mother's stomach and felt you kick me"

" How do you know that was me and not Luke?" An image of her mother flashed before her eyes, vague and barely there. But still it was something. Love, there had been love.

He gave her a look and a warm smile, though his eyes were still blank from his tears "Just a feeling"

"By the sounds off it I did not kick you hard enough" She was unable to help her snarky reply.

He laughed, a small warm chuckle. " Well we would not want to hurt your mother would we" At that the smile on his face faded, and he looked away from her into the darkness of the room. He was perfectly still, except for one of his hands pulling nervously at his tunic. She could almost feel his pain, well maybe she actually could. Impulsively she reached out and grasped his hand. Offering comfort or asking for it, she wasn't sure. He stiffened at her touch in suprise, but quickly recovered and turned his hand around grasping hers. It was large and warm around her much smaller one. Perhaps it should suprise her how real it felt, a slight tingle the only indication the hand she was holding was not really corporeal, but at that moment it felt only natural.

Looking down at their clasped hands she spoke."I thought I would hate you more now, if that was even possible, but maybe now I am finally starting to understand. Ben was not cruel, never that. Yet now. Now I dont know what he is capable of." She felt him squeeze her hand, offering comfort and she finally accepted it. Strange that this was truly the first time she had ever willingly touched him, her father,Luke's father. Their father.

"If I had known, if there was anything I could have done to spare him this fate, I would have done it. But we can't protect someone from themself. We can only hope they will find their way back. Do not loose hope Leia. Even if everyone else around you does. Even Luke"

Her heart started to speed up at the mention of Luke's name."Do you see him then, do you know where he is?"

"Yes, but he hardly speaks to me. Part of him blames me, and he is not wrong. But mostly he blames himself. It breaks my heart seeing him so broken"

" I dont blame him, he must know that. Please tell him." She had known Luke blaimed himself. No matter how many times she had tried to convince him otherwise.

"I will, I have. He needs new hope, you both do, and I believe Rey will give him just that. Have faith Leia. He will return."

Faith, how could she cling to that now. She had always tried to maintain hope, to live for a better future, but how much pain and heartbreak can one person take before getting back up becomes impossible? She was so tired, so very tired, Yet her fathers hand in her own made her feel stronger somehow.

As if sensing her fatigue, he let go of her hand making her feel strangly bereft. Leaving the bed, he moved to the other side.

"You need to rest now, but when you call know I will come,always. No matter what name you choose to call me. Just give me some time." The last bit he said with a smile.

She streched out on the bed, ready for the oblivion of sleep to take her. Maybe it would give her some much needed respite from the pain. Yet she would be alone again. Thats when she felt the blanket cover her, and a warm hand tenderly stroke her cheek. As if plucking the thought straight from her mind, he spoke softly.

"Never alone Leia, never alone"

Touched by his words she finally closed her eyes, her heart not so heavy anymore. Tomorrow she would get up and keep moving forward. Always moving forward, but perhaps not as alone she first thought.

He looked down at her sleeping form, his heart aching in his chest. If she only knew how beautiful she was to him. Now as much as then. Always. To him she was perfection. Fading from view he sent his thoughts to Luke. Hoping Rey would be able to reach him. Hoping against hope maybe she could reach Ben too.


End file.
